Take Back the Night

NOTE: Take Back the Night is a special event being held on Tuesday, October 12th at the College of Staten Island. Though I cannot attend personally, I've sent information and a speech for the event. It is as follows:

I spent three years as a domestic violence counselor and have found that though I've left the field, the experience and the stories never really leave me. In trying to think of what to say for such an important event I flipped through facts and figures. There are so many myths about domestic violence and abuse that it is like wading through molasses. There is so much to the dynamics of it that I could write for days, not minutes, and still not make a dent. Here is my effort to dispel myths and provide some insight.

First of all, both men and women can be survivors of domestic violence. As a majority of survivors are female, I will be using "she" in regards to survivors and "he" in regards to batterers. This doesn't mean that men aren't abused by female parents. It does happen but it is not as common. This also doesn't mean that domestic violence doesn't happen in same sex relationships, because it does.

People hear "domestic violence" and usually think, "That's not me." Because the word "violence" gives them a mental picture that maybe their situation doesn't fit into. They think of punching, strangulation, biting, excessive/unwanted tickling, (Seriously. Did you know that tickling is a form of torture in many places and eventually becomes painful?) and slapping.

The truth is there is a lot more such as driving erratically to scare your partner, pushing, verbal abuse, forced sexual acts, making someone feel worthless, and many other ways. But domestic violence and abuse is about power and control.

Abusive relationships run in a cycle of three seasons:

1. Tension Building Phase - The phase where threatening actions occur, verbal abuse, etc. The survivor knows that an abusive event is on the horizon.

2. Battering Event - When the actual abuse occurs.

3. Honeymoon Period - The period of apology, flowers, gifts, etc. Essentially, a "honeymoon" like period where the batterer convinces the survivor that it won't happen again.

I must mention that couples counseling is NOT an option if there is any domestic abuse involved in the relationship. It is not a suitable atmosphere for an abusive situation. Why? Because in an abusive relationship, the power and control of the relationship is in the hands of one person, the abuser. How can you go to couples counseling and discuss the abuse that is occurs? As the scales are uneven it is difficult, even dangerous for a survivor to disclose abuse in couples counseling.

Abuse happens to many people in different forms such as:

Immigrant Abuse - where the batterer uses lack of citizenship to control the survivor. This would include threatening to call INS to get her deported, not allowing her to read/learn to speak English, threatening to take her children away, sent her back to her country without the children, etc. There are special Visas and programs available to help abused people to get visas to stay in the country.

GLBTQ Abuse - includes but isn't limited to: Stating that women cannot abuse women, questioning if you are "really" gay, reinforcing internalized homophobia, threatening to "out" you, putting assets in their name only and being the one to define each partner's place or duties in the relationship.

How can I help my friend who is being abused? - Witnessing a loved one be abused by their partner is emotionally draining and can make you feel helpless and frustrated. The best thing you can do for an abused friend is simply be there for them. Let them know if she needs to leave you will help her, if you cannot help her for whatever reason, let her know there are resources available. Going over a safety plan is a helpful way to prepare if someone is thinking leaving.
Another helpful action is simply holding onto important papers such as birth certificates, medical reports, social security cards, passports, etc. These items are invaluable and much needed for certain services.

As a friend of an abused person you can find yourself drained and frustrated. "Why doesn't she just leave?" "I can't do this anymore." When you get to that point, try to take a step back and get a breather. One of the best things you can do for an abused friend is just be there.
You don't always have to be on the go and providing answers. One of the most important things I learned as a counselor is the value of silence. Some questions don't have answers. Some comments just need to be said aloud without interruption or input. It is probably the hardest thing to do; be there, listen, don't judge and wait.

Why do they stay? Money, they think they can change them, he is a good father, we've been together a long time, he feels badly afterward...

Women stay for a variety of reasons. Rarely, if even does abuse happen on the first date. Imagine going out with someone for the first time and they punch you because you ordered chicken not beef. You would be out of there quicker than you can blink.

Abuse usually starts slowly, and the abuser is usually a Prince Charming type. Huh? He beats his partner but he is Prince Charming? Batterers can be charming, They are excellent at hiding behavior until that behavior slowly leaks out. Maybe it begins with some jealousy. "Aww, he's jealous, that means he loves me!" But it begins to pick up pace until its running down hill and you are trying to stay ahead of the game.

Did you know - abuse often occurs after a serious commitment, engagement, or marriage. There is an ownership factor that comes with these events that can trigger abuse. Also, a pregnancy is a trigger for abuse as well. Will she love the baby more then me? The number one killer of pregnant women is the father of the child.

Again, why do they stay? In threatening/survival situations, we look for evidence of hope, a small sign that the situation will improve. Small tokens maybe seen as evidence that the batterer is "not all bad" and may correct his/her behavior.

Why do men batterer? It is a CHOICE. According to the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner-related physical assaults and rapes every year. Do we see this happening at Shoprite? How about at Clove Lake while taking a walk? Not so much.
This is because a batterer chooses when/where/who to abuse. Most abuse occurs at home, the door closed, shades pulled. How often does it occur in public? Not often. How often is a batterer composed, and even charming when in court, in front of police or relatives?


What about anger management? - It just does not work on batterers. Batterers manage their anger very well. They don't beat their boss up after receiving a reprimand, nor do they beat up the officer that gave them a ticket. They store it up and focus it on one person. That is superb anger management. Waiting to get home, closing the door, and taking it out on one person. That is why abusing your partner is a choice you make. That is why anger management is not an option.


Where can you go for help? Seamen's Society for Children and Families as well as Safe Horizon, both provide counseling and information. If you want an Order of Protection you may go to Family Court, down by the Ferry. Simply ask the officer where to go and they will direct you. The paperwork is fairly self explanatory and there are often advocates there to assist you.

Please note: Laws have changed recently in New York. Previously, Family Court was only for people who had been married, had a child together or were divorced. This severely limited those who were in LGBTQ relationships or dating relationships. But that has changed. As of July 2008 you may go to Family Court to get an Order of Protection if you have had an "intimate relationship" with someone which is defined as follows:

1. Current boyfriend/girlfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend/, boyfriend/boyfriend

2. Persons who are currently dating or have dated in the past.

3. Persons living together or formerly living together in the same home who are NOT related by blood or marriage

"Intimate Relationship" is not just regarding a relationship of a sexual nature. It also takes into account the type of relationship, the frequency of the interaction between the persons and the duration of the relationship. This does not apply to casual/ordinary fraternization between people in business or social context.

What does this mean? It means that those dating a batterer no longer have to wait for a situation of abuse where the police are called and charges are filed. You can now get help before the violence escalates to where you are seriously injured. You can now get help in Family Court.

If you take anything away with you, remember this: Domestic violence and abuse doesn't care how much money you have in the bank, where you come from, how educated you are, your sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political views or your martial status. It happens to all people of all genders, races, religions, sexual orientations, cultures, and financial status. It knows not one face, but all, and as long as we remain silent about it, it will continue to happen.

Funny things that are heard around my house

"I rubbed oil all over and slapped herbs on it."(I hope she was talking about the chicken for dinner.)
"And there it is, death of another muffin." (My father as he mourns a corn muffin my mother has horribly abused, eating her favorite parts and leaving the bottom in the muffin tin.)
"If I spent two days with a woman, who invited me over when her husband was away, we wouldn't just be sitting around."
"Hey, Signore Stinky Pants!"
"Did you wash your hands?"  "No, I rubbed them all over my ass; it gives the food extra flavor."
"You only love me for my Fig Newtons!"
"When she gets nervous she smells like corn chips." ( I had no idea Cocker Spaniels smell like corn chips when they get nervous.  You learn something new everyday.)
" I find the weirdest things tucked into the folds of your neck."

Dude Craft: Ladder Bookshelf

Dude Craft: Ladder Bookshelf - I love this idea, but would want to use a funky, old ladder. Books rule!

Job Hunting

  So, as I troll around for a new job there are several things that seem to pop up on various job listings. There are quite a few employers that want much more than a cover letter, resume and references. A new requirement for employment includes essay writing, unpaid, required trainings and group interviewing.

  Since employers have the upper hand, as the job market is flooded with qualified candidates, it seems like some employers want to pit candidates against each other to see who is left standing.
  I recently applied for a job, a great job. After going to the orientation, I wanted this job. It was a school that sounded so amazing that I would have been honored to be a part of it. Then...thunk, the other shoe dropped.
  This job required all of the listed, new requirements. It required two essays to be written; one about team work and the other about a guest speaker at an upcoming meeting. It also required 12 days of training, 3 hours a day, dinner hours, for a span of twelve weeks. (Which means if you get a job offer in the interim, you cannot accept it because you have committed to 12 weeks.) In addition, the supervisor would sit above the group of candidates, watching to see who would fit the best.
  I understand and can appreciate wanting to make sure an employee is a good fit. But after doing the math of babysitting fees, tolls and gas, I discovered it would cost me about $800 for 12 weeks of unpaid training, without the promise of a job at the end. In addition to that, I had to take into consideration that if I left on time, while others were willing to stay late, it would look like I wasn't a team player and could be counted as a strike against me. But, my main team is my family, and my primary responsibility is my son. Yet, I wanted that damn job.
  Rather than just bailing, I wrote to the supervisor and offered the following: the two essays, 2-3 unpaid trainings, as many references as she wanted, (I have up to 10, not including personal references), as well as an offer to give a presentation to anyone/group she wanted.
  It was a no go. It was either commit to 12 weeks of unpaid trainings or I wouldn't even be a consideration. How far do you go for a job that feels like a perfect fit? How much do you eat in order to get it? Or, is it unreasonable for employers to expect people to jump through hoops AND come out of pocket with the mere hope of getting a position.
Disappointed, I passed.



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Dear Real Estate Agents...

Dear Real Estate Agents,
I write this to you as a home buyer, in hopes of helping you a house in this lousy market! Here's a few tips and some honest critiques:

1. 70% of your photos suck some major ass. They are shaky, blurry, too dark or too bright. Are you sneezing when you take these photos? Or it is a ploy in hopes that the pictures will suck so bad that the buyer will be pleasantly surprised when they see the house and it is not fuzzy and dark? By the way, be dressed if you are going to take pictures near a reflective surface.

2. Speaking of pictures, if you only have two pictures, both of the outside, or better yet, one outside shot and one of a random corner, makes me worry. It makes me think either the inside of the house is a train wreck or you are just uber lazy and won't take the time to take some photos.

3. When you take one home shot and the rest is of the areas attractions...well, see above.

4. Ask the sellers to put away about 25% of their crap. Seriously, people have a lot of crap. I do. You do. We all do. Putting away at least 25% before taking the photos makes the house look decent. Putting away 50% of toys, clothing and books allows me to picture MY crap in the house, instead of the seller's.

5. No matter how modest someone's budget, don't be snarky. Money is money, and in this market, be happy you have a buyer with good credit and a VA Loan. After all, word of mouth can make you or break you. Speaking of big mouths....

6. Don't be a dick about the VA Loan. Seriously. My hubby served his country. The first 10% of the VA Loan is insured by the freakin' military/government. Don't tell me you "don't do" purchases that use the VA Loan. You will find yourself and your company slathered all over the news and my hot and bothered indignant little face waving a flag and my baby in any camera that will look at me. I will crush you. So just suck up the fact that there is paperwork attached to the VA Loan and shut the fuck up about it.

7. Showing me homes $25,000 and up past my budget is not cool. Don't hope I'll fall in love with a house and throw my common sense out the window. My budget is set for what I can afford and I will not be tempted.

8. You don't have to write poetry, but it helps if the description is informative. i.e. square footage of the home. If it is a hobbit house, I need to know before I take the time to check it out. Knowing if there is a basement is helpful. Including either a map, zip code or some location information would be helpful as well. Remember, plenty of people have kids. Including the school information of the area rocks!

9. Know one interesting thing about the property. ONE thing, that's all. Don't give me that you have soooo many properties you can't possibly keep things so petty in your head. It doesn't have to stay in your head. Write yourself a note. That way you can say to me, "Oh, I remember that house! It has the cutest...finish able attic/yard/reading nook." Pique my interest.

10. What is with the turquoise? I've seen numerous homes covered in turquoise paint. I'm an artist. I love color. But for the love of Mike, advise the seller to pick a neutral color for at least one of the walls! It will take a zillion coats of paint to cover those walls. Humor the buyer.

11. Don't assume that my husband is the money and makes the decisions because he has a penis. Surprise, surprise, I control the money and know how much we can afford. Treat me like an equal. Boobies does not equal stupidity.

12. Don't deflect when I ask you a question. It makes me thing you are either full of crap or that you are being dishonest. Answer a question asked rather than sliding off the subject. If you don't know an answer, just say so.

Can You Be Lonely For a Place You've Never Lived?

  I was driving home today with Liam, from an appointment and decided to cruise around the neighborhood a bit. With the weather warming up, it seemed like a shame to go straight home and just sit around. After a few minutes Li fell asleep and I was free to drive around, without any real purpose, letting my mind wander.   As I drove I had this overwhelming feeling that couldn't be named. It suddenly hit me. I was lonely, not for a person or people but for a place.
  Many years ago I became fascinated with New Orleans, as many people do. Saving my pennies, I was able to go for a weekend. It was the only place I've ever been that I knew in an instant, could be home. It was a strange occurrence for me, because I never thought I'd want to leave New York. But it fit. Going to New Orleans was like finding your favorite jacket, that somehow wound up stuffed under your bed. You pull it on and it feels just as good as it always did, and looks even better.
  At the time I was dating someone who worked for an airline and I was able to go to New Orleans once a year, (one year I made it twice), for four years for a mere ten dollars each way. It was heaven.
  All the oddities that made me stand out and alone in high school and college seemed to be quickly embraced. Though my love for New York runs deep, New Orleans didn't have that bit of turned up nose that some New Yorkers have about people. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged.
  As someone who lacks any sense of direction, I learned the streets quickly, and almost instantly found favorite places to eat and hang out. By the time I took my mother, I was able to walk around, comfortable, pointing out my favorite shops and actually knowing where the hell I was going, another first.
  For years I wanted to spend a summer, just one, in New Orleans, writing. For some reason I could see myself in some little one room walk up, working at a local shop during the day or tending bar and writing every night, all night. The idea of sitting in an unknown yet known city, soaked in sweat, wearing an old t-shirt and boy shorts, bare foot, pounding away on a typewriter with a five and dime turning fan to try to move the heavy air was my idea of a perfect summer. But I could never manage to tear myself away from my home life and responsibilities, from the need to work, not to go away but to pay for school. When my mother got sick I knew my chance was pretty much gone.
  Do I romanticized New Orleans? Somewhat, yes. Is there crime, and poverty? Yes. Name one place in the world that doesn't have crime or poverty. It also has amazing food, open and accepting people, art and music like no other and a style all it's own. Like anywhere else you live or visit, you do not check your reason and common sense at the door. The tourists that come to New York, stand in the middle of the sidewalk looking up, mouths wide open might as well hang a neon sign on their necks reading, "Out of towner, not paying attention, please lift my wallet." Looking comfortable, being aware and not performing actions that scream tourist is always essential when you go anywhere.
  I miss walking around with a bag of my art, jewelry and soaps on my back; popping into stores and making a sale; leaving with my bag lighter and my wallet heavier.  I miss the lack of pretension and delicious otherness of the streets, the cultural blend of the food that made it so damn good that my mouth waters just thinking about it.  I miss it like you miss an old friend.
  I haven't had a chance to go back since Katrina. By then I had dumped my airline worker boyfriend and just couldn't afford it. Part of me is afraid that that uniqueness, that utterly beautiful charm will be gone. I want to go back. I need to go back. I will go back. And, I'll bring my husband and my son, and show them the beauty of a city that was beaten but never broken.

Blind Artist

http://www.mytopclip.com/v/882,the-artist-with-no-eyes.html - This piece is so interesting.  Is it proof that art is not necessarily visual?  Does the artist not have to see with actual eyes but see it is his head?  Is that then visual?

"Smashed - Story of a Drunken Girlhood" By Koren Zailckas

  Last weekend, desperate for something to read after finishing "The Road," the family and I headed for our favorite, local bookstore, "Bent Pages." (Need a good read? Head over to 391 Van Duzer Street, Staten Island, NY, 10304 - The owners K.T. and Robin are just awesome and extremely helpful.)
  After poking around I found, "Smashed - Story of a Drunken Girlhood" By Koren Zailckas in paperback. The back seemed interesting enough. Koren starts drinking at the age of fourteen with her best friend and as she gets older her drinking becomes more destructive.
  I both love and really dislike this book all at once. Koren's writing style is lyrical. It borders on the beauty of poetry inspired by a first love. At times, when writing about drinking, it sounds as though she is writing about a lover. She repeatedly admits she prefers "booze to boys."
"I am aware that the fourteen-year-old girl I tutor in English is a head taller than I am; and while I craft arguments that burn my cheeks because I never spit them out, she extends her opinions even when they aren't complete. I am aware that somewhere along the line, I've subconsciously turned down the pitch of my speech, like a silencer of a gun that softens the sounds of its firing. Now, even when I yell, I don't feel like I am using my full voice."
  How great is that? Anyone who is self conscious knows that feeling so well, and to see it on paper is this amazing sight.
"The boldness that Bud Light sends rolling back to me is just what I've been missing the past few days. When I talk to Tess, thoughts diffuse through me without any of the hesitation that so often trips me up. I speak without rehearsing the words in my head beforehand, and she listens, clapping her hands and agreeing with her whole heart. When I laugh, the hum of my own happiness is astonishing."
  Had I not known Koren wrote poetry this type of writing would have been a knowing nod. That is one of the reasons I loved this book. It was well written, had pop culture references that were spot on and at times she was surprisingly funny.
  What I couldn't stand about the book was the fact that she was getting a $33,000+ education, (not counting books, car insurance, dorm/housing, etc), and she hardly remembers it. Yes, I understand this is my own issue, but it still pisses me off. (It's my issue, but it's my blog, so...nah, nah.) I worked three freakin' jobs to pay for my community college education, (not a dig at community college, but at my lack o' funds), and barely had a chance to enjoy my classes because I was always running to work.
  Yet, here is Koren and scores of other students drinking and getting wasted, without a mention of having to work a job, because presumably no one has to work. Is this why they don't think twice about pissing away a primo education for which I would have given my eye teeth? Does this lack of work ethic explain why in a book consisting of 343 pages, there is almost no mention of classes. (Come to think of it, I don't think there is any mention of classes period,)
  Does this stem from the fact that so many parents like Koren's rather turn a blind eye than notice that their child is not perfect, let alone having issues. For Pete's sake, Koren had her stomach pumped, and later, when she was drinking again, her parents thought nothing of it. Their answer always seemed to be that they knew she was drinking and as long as she did it responsibly ...
  After a while, reading about all the parties and drunkness, it got a little old, much like how the random hook ups in "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell," did.
  Is this what happens when you don't have to work, are given seemingly little to no rules or responsibilities? Koren herself says it the best when she writes,
"Tomorrow, I won't remember much about this bar, which is the first I've ever been in. I will remember only how it felt to be someone's little sister, how good it felt to be relieved of the terrible burden of good judgement. I am relieved, for that matter, of the ability to make choices at all."

  Is it puella aeterna? (The female version of the Peter Pan Syndrome.) I won't have to grown up if I keep shirking responsibility and getting shit faced?
  Towards the end of the book, Koren makes some great points about how today's advertising "alternates between pandering to women and using us to bait men." In a way she's right, but it turns me off how she goes off on the liquor companies for selling liquor, for the government for not allocating money to stop young people from drinking, etc. Though these things have truth to them, there comes a time for personal responsibility. No one forced her to drink. It doesn't run in her family, so she is not prone to it. She liked how it made her feel; brave, less self conscious, more willing to talk. Now she's angry? Yet, she refuses to admit she is an alcoholic. (She feels she abuses alcohol but isn't addicted. Sounds like everyone who has ever been to rehab.)
  The book has been picked up for a movie option. It'll be interesting to see how it pans out. Will it serve as a warning to young people about drinking? Will it help others reminisce about college drunkness? Will it be a blockbuster, a train wreck or just a blip on the screen? One will have to wait to find out.
  If you would like my copy of "Smashed," please feel free to contact me.  Simply pay book rate shipping, (about $2.25) and it's yours.  If you have an APO/military address, it is free shipping as well.

StumbleUpon.com

I'm debating:

Is StumbleUpon a gift from the techno Gods, or a trick of the Devil to suck hours at a time away?  Either way, it is like crack.  I'm reading a book about manners and it mentions why people like to play video games and the internet.  Dopamine is released when hunting and the thrill of the hunt is an actual physical effect.  So, essentially, I have a biological reason for loving StumbleUpon.  Heehee.

Coming soon: Review on "Smashed - A Story of a Drunken Girlhood" by Koren Zailckas

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders

After having Liam my bra size went from pretty damn big to ridiculous.   I went from wearing a bra to wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder. 
I've started debating having a reduction, especially if I have any more children.  Two full cups sizes with the first was more than enough.  Soon I won't have to wear a bra, but a lace covered donkey to haul these puppies around.  For those who don't have big breasts, you aren't missing out.  In addition to the back pain, shoulder pain and even bone deterioration from strap, they choke you.  Some people laugh, but it's true.  Real breasts fall into your under arm when you lay back.  But really big breasts fall into your under arm and into your throat.  "Your throat?" you say.  Yup.  And they essentially smother you.  (Not a bad way to go, but still.)
Luckily I found this amazing little shop in Red Bank, New Jersey that sells A-J bras.  Though pricey the bra is beautiful, fits like a glove and has amazing support.
Now my inner debate is, do I plan for surgery in the next five years, and wind up with smaller more managable breasts.  Will my insurance pay for it without a drawn out hassel?  Do they ever do anything without a hassle? 
I've had large breasts as long as I've had breasts.  Will my identity and feeling of self change after surgery?  Roseann covered the topic on her show years ago, and though I laughed I understood her worries.  Will her husband still find her attractive?  Will it work and make a noticeable difference?  Can I handle the pain? I guess it can sit on the back burner until after the next little egg comes about.
Would you change your breast size?  Go bigger?  Go smaller?  Get a lift?  Why?

"The Road" - The Book

  My mother had a copy of "The Road" sitting in her bin of books. I picked it up, in need of something to read, and asked her how it was. The answer was simple, "Depressing."
  Willing to give it a go, I zipped through the first 70 pages. She was right. Not only was it depressing but it was tedious. The dialogue just kept repeating. The dialogue just kept repeating. The dialogue just kept repeating. That gets old fast, doesn't it.  Let's not forget that there are no apostrophes or quotation marks in the book.  Did the editor think this added to the story or was it an effort to drive the grammar geeks, (you know who you are...Amanda), insane?
  If I had a dollar for every time that damn kid asked his, "Papa" where they were going, and for every time he said "Okay." I could buy a Mini Cooper.
  The real kicker was when the duo met the old man. Then there were two characters repeating everything Papa said. Oh joy. Plus, the little bugger wanted to adopt everyone they found like they were a stray puppy.
  By page 100 not only did I not care about the characters, I was hoping someone would eat the kid in an effort to make a blip in the story other than treading in the ashen world they lived in.
  Now, as an English major I could easily spew out an essay about the relationship between father and son; how despite their hardships and wishing for death, they continue, if not for each other. I could go on about the relationship that can develop between lonely strangers which would explain the son's desire to adopt everyone they find. I could pontificate about how the father, watching his son breathe, soon loses the position of caretaker and becomes the one needing care, with his son watching him breathe at night, and in turn becomes caretaker.
  But, I'm not in college anymore. I did finish the book, because books are meant to be finished. It didn't mean I enjoyed it, after all, no one ate that kid with a side of canned peaches found in their cart. Now, that would have been worth 150+ pages of walking, starving and ash. Yum.
  If you would like my copy of "The Road" just email me and pay media shipping, about $2.25 and it is yours.  If you have an APO/military address, shipping is free as well as the book!