NOTE: Take Back the Night is a special event being held on Tuesday, October 12th at the College of Staten Island. Though I cannot attend personally, I've sent information and a speech for the event. It is as follows:
I spent three years as a domestic violence counselor and have found that though I've left the field, the experience and the stories never really leave me. In trying to think of what to say for such an important event I flipped through facts and figures. There are so many myths about domestic violence and abuse that it is like wading through molasses. There is so much to the dynamics of it that I could write for days, not minutes, and still not make a dent. Here is my effort to dispel myths and provide some insight.
First of all, both men and women can be survivors of domestic violence. As a majority of survivors are female, I will be using "she" in regards to survivors and "he" in regards to batterers. This doesn't mean that men aren't abused by female parents. It does happen but it is not as common. This also doesn't mean that domestic violence doesn't happen in same sex relationships, because it does.
People hear "domestic violence" and usually think, "That's not me." Because the word "violence" gives them a mental picture that maybe their situation doesn't fit into. They think of punching, strangulation, biting, excessive/unwanted tickling, (Seriously. Did you know that tickling is a form of torture in many places and eventually becomes painful?) and slapping.
The truth is there is a lot more such as driving erratically to scare your partner, pushing, verbal abuse, forced sexual acts, making someone feel worthless, and many other ways. But domestic violence and abuse is about power and control.
Abusive relationships run in a cycle of three seasons:
1. Tension Building Phase - The phase where threatening actions occur, verbal abuse, etc. The survivor knows that an abusive event is on the horizon.
2. Battering Event - When the actual abuse occurs.
3. Honeymoon Period - The period of apology, flowers, gifts, etc. Essentially, a "honeymoon" like period where the batterer convinces the survivor that it won't happen again.
I must mention that couples counseling is NOT an option if there is any domestic abuse involved in the relationship. It is not a suitable atmosphere for an abusive situation. Why? Because in an abusive relationship, the power and control of the relationship is in the hands of one person, the abuser. How can you go to couples counseling and discuss the abuse that is occurs? As the scales are uneven it is difficult, even dangerous for a survivor to disclose abuse in couples counseling.
Abuse happens to many people in different forms such as:
Immigrant Abuse - where the batterer uses lack of citizenship to control the survivor. This would include threatening to call INS to get her deported, not allowing her to read/learn to speak English, threatening to take her children away, sent her back to her country without the children, etc. There are special Visas and programs available to help abused people to get visas to stay in the country.
GLBTQ Abuse - includes but isn't limited to: Stating that women cannot abuse women, questioning if you are "really" gay, reinforcing internalized homophobia, threatening to "out" you, putting assets in their name only and being the one to define each partner's place or duties in the relationship.
How can I help my friend who is being abused? - Witnessing a loved one be abused by their partner is emotionally draining and can make you feel helpless and frustrated. The best thing you can do for an abused friend is simply be there for them. Let them know if she needs to leave you will help her, if you cannot help her for whatever reason, let her know there are resources available. Going over a safety plan is a helpful way to prepare if someone is thinking leaving.
Another helpful action is simply holding onto important papers such as birth certificates, medical reports, social security cards, passports, etc. These items are invaluable and much needed for certain services.
As a friend of an abused person you can find yourself drained and frustrated. "Why doesn't she just leave?" "I can't do this anymore." When you get to that point, try to take a step back and get a breather. One of the best things you can do for an abused friend is just be there.
You don't always have to be on the go and providing answers. One of the most important things I learned as a counselor is the value of silence. Some questions don't have answers. Some comments just need to be said aloud without interruption or input. It is probably the hardest thing to do; be there, listen, don't judge and wait.
Why do they stay? Money, they think they can change them, he is a good father, we've been together a long time, he feels badly afterward...
Women stay for a variety of reasons. Rarely, if even does abuse happen on the first date. Imagine going out with someone for the first time and they punch you because you ordered chicken not beef. You would be out of there quicker than you can blink.
Abuse usually starts slowly, and the abuser is usually a Prince Charming type. Huh? He beats his partner but he is Prince Charming? Batterers can be charming, They are excellent at hiding behavior until that behavior slowly leaks out. Maybe it begins with some jealousy. "Aww, he's jealous, that means he loves me!" But it begins to pick up pace until its running down hill and you are trying to stay ahead of the game.
Did you know - abuse often occurs after a serious commitment, engagement, or marriage. There is an ownership factor that comes with these events that can trigger abuse. Also, a pregnancy is a trigger for abuse as well. Will she love the baby more then me? The number one killer of pregnant women is the father of the child.
Again, why do they stay? In threatening/survival situations, we look for evidence of hope, a small sign that the situation will improve. Small tokens maybe seen as evidence that the batterer is "not all bad" and may correct his/her behavior.
Why do men batterer? It is a CHOICE. According to the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner-related physical assaults and rapes every year. Do we see this happening at Shoprite? How about at Clove Lake while taking a walk? Not so much.
This is because a batterer chooses when/where/who to abuse. Most abuse occurs at home, the door closed, shades pulled. How often does it occur in public? Not often. How often is a batterer composed, and even charming when in court, in front of police or relatives?
What about anger management? - It just does not work on batterers. Batterers manage their anger very well. They don't beat their boss up after receiving a reprimand, nor do they beat up the officer that gave them a ticket. They store it up and focus it on one person. That is superb anger management. Waiting to get home, closing the door, and taking it out on one person. That is why abusing your partner is a choice you make. That is why anger management is not an option.
Where can you go for help? Seamen's Society for Children and Families as well as Safe Horizon, both provide counseling and information. If you want an Order of Protection you may go to Family Court, down by the Ferry. Simply ask the officer where to go and they will direct you. The paperwork is fairly self explanatory and there are often advocates there to assist you.
Please note: Laws have changed recently in New York. Previously, Family Court was only for people who had been married, had a child together or were divorced. This severely limited those who were in LGBTQ relationships or dating relationships. But that has changed. As of July 2008 you may go to Family Court to get an Order of Protection if you have had an "intimate relationship" with someone which is defined as follows:
1. Current boyfriend/girlfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend/, boyfriend/boyfriend
2. Persons who are currently dating or have dated in the past.
3. Persons living together or formerly living together in the same home who are NOT related by blood or marriage
"Intimate Relationship" is not just regarding a relationship of a sexual nature. It also takes into account the type of relationship, the frequency of the interaction between the persons and the duration of the relationship. This does not apply to casual/ordinary fraternization between people in business or social context.
What does this mean? It means that those dating a batterer no longer have to wait for a situation of abuse where the police are called and charges are filed. You can now get help before the violence escalates to where you are seriously injured. You can now get help in Family Court.
If you take anything away with you, remember this: Domestic violence and abuse doesn't care how much money you have in the bank, where you come from, how educated you are, your sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political views or your martial status. It happens to all people of all genders, races, religions, sexual orientations, cultures, and financial status. It knows not one face, but all, and as long as we remain silent about it, it will continue to happen.
I spent three years as a domestic violence counselor and have found that though I've left the field, the experience and the stories never really leave me. In trying to think of what to say for such an important event I flipped through facts and figures. There are so many myths about domestic violence and abuse that it is like wading through molasses. There is so much to the dynamics of it that I could write for days, not minutes, and still not make a dent. Here is my effort to dispel myths and provide some insight.
First of all, both men and women can be survivors of domestic violence. As a majority of survivors are female, I will be using "she" in regards to survivors and "he" in regards to batterers. This doesn't mean that men aren't abused by female parents. It does happen but it is not as common. This also doesn't mean that domestic violence doesn't happen in same sex relationships, because it does.
People hear "domestic violence" and usually think, "That's not me." Because the word "violence" gives them a mental picture that maybe their situation doesn't fit into. They think of punching, strangulation, biting, excessive/unwanted tickling, (Seriously. Did you know that tickling is a form of torture in many places and eventually becomes painful?) and slapping.
The truth is there is a lot more such as driving erratically to scare your partner, pushing, verbal abuse, forced sexual acts, making someone feel worthless, and many other ways. But domestic violence and abuse is about power and control.
Abusive relationships run in a cycle of three seasons:
1. Tension Building Phase - The phase where threatening actions occur, verbal abuse, etc. The survivor knows that an abusive event is on the horizon.
2. Battering Event - When the actual abuse occurs.
3. Honeymoon Period - The period of apology, flowers, gifts, etc. Essentially, a "honeymoon" like period where the batterer convinces the survivor that it won't happen again.
I must mention that couples counseling is NOT an option if there is any domestic abuse involved in the relationship. It is not a suitable atmosphere for an abusive situation. Why? Because in an abusive relationship, the power and control of the relationship is in the hands of one person, the abuser. How can you go to couples counseling and discuss the abuse that is occurs? As the scales are uneven it is difficult, even dangerous for a survivor to disclose abuse in couples counseling.
Abuse happens to many people in different forms such as:
Immigrant Abuse - where the batterer uses lack of citizenship to control the survivor. This would include threatening to call INS to get her deported, not allowing her to read/learn to speak English, threatening to take her children away, sent her back to her country without the children, etc. There are special Visas and programs available to help abused people to get visas to stay in the country.
GLBTQ Abuse - includes but isn't limited to: Stating that women cannot abuse women, questioning if you are "really" gay, reinforcing internalized homophobia, threatening to "out" you, putting assets in their name only and being the one to define each partner's place or duties in the relationship.
How can I help my friend who is being abused? - Witnessing a loved one be abused by their partner is emotionally draining and can make you feel helpless and frustrated. The best thing you can do for an abused friend is simply be there for them. Let them know if she needs to leave you will help her, if you cannot help her for whatever reason, let her know there are resources available. Going over a safety plan is a helpful way to prepare if someone is thinking leaving.
Another helpful action is simply holding onto important papers such as birth certificates, medical reports, social security cards, passports, etc. These items are invaluable and much needed for certain services.
As a friend of an abused person you can find yourself drained and frustrated. "Why doesn't she just leave?" "I can't do this anymore." When you get to that point, try to take a step back and get a breather. One of the best things you can do for an abused friend is just be there.
You don't always have to be on the go and providing answers. One of the most important things I learned as a counselor is the value of silence. Some questions don't have answers. Some comments just need to be said aloud without interruption or input. It is probably the hardest thing to do; be there, listen, don't judge and wait.
Why do they stay? Money, they think they can change them, he is a good father, we've been together a long time, he feels badly afterward...
Women stay for a variety of reasons. Rarely, if even does abuse happen on the first date. Imagine going out with someone for the first time and they punch you because you ordered chicken not beef. You would be out of there quicker than you can blink.
Abuse usually starts slowly, and the abuser is usually a Prince Charming type. Huh? He beats his partner but he is Prince Charming? Batterers can be charming, They are excellent at hiding behavior until that behavior slowly leaks out. Maybe it begins with some jealousy. "Aww, he's jealous, that means he loves me!" But it begins to pick up pace until its running down hill and you are trying to stay ahead of the game.
Did you know - abuse often occurs after a serious commitment, engagement, or marriage. There is an ownership factor that comes with these events that can trigger abuse. Also, a pregnancy is a trigger for abuse as well. Will she love the baby more then me? The number one killer of pregnant women is the father of the child.
Again, why do they stay? In threatening/survival situations, we look for evidence of hope, a small sign that the situation will improve. Small tokens maybe seen as evidence that the batterer is "not all bad" and may correct his/her behavior.
Why do men batterer? It is a CHOICE. According to the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner-related physical assaults and rapes every year. Do we see this happening at Shoprite? How about at Clove Lake while taking a walk? Not so much.
This is because a batterer chooses when/where/who to abuse. Most abuse occurs at home, the door closed, shades pulled. How often does it occur in public? Not often. How often is a batterer composed, and even charming when in court, in front of police or relatives?
What about anger management? - It just does not work on batterers. Batterers manage their anger very well. They don't beat their boss up after receiving a reprimand, nor do they beat up the officer that gave them a ticket. They store it up and focus it on one person. That is superb anger management. Waiting to get home, closing the door, and taking it out on one person. That is why abusing your partner is a choice you make. That is why anger management is not an option.
Where can you go for help? Seamen's Society for Children and Families as well as Safe Horizon, both provide counseling and information. If you want an Order of Protection you may go to Family Court, down by the Ferry. Simply ask the officer where to go and they will direct you. The paperwork is fairly self explanatory and there are often advocates there to assist you.
Please note: Laws have changed recently in New York. Previously, Family Court was only for people who had been married, had a child together or were divorced. This severely limited those who were in LGBTQ relationships or dating relationships. But that has changed. As of July 2008 you may go to Family Court to get an Order of Protection if you have had an "intimate relationship" with someone which is defined as follows:
1. Current boyfriend/girlfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend/, boyfriend/boyfriend
2. Persons who are currently dating or have dated in the past.
3. Persons living together or formerly living together in the same home who are NOT related by blood or marriage
"Intimate Relationship" is not just regarding a relationship of a sexual nature. It also takes into account the type of relationship, the frequency of the interaction between the persons and the duration of the relationship. This does not apply to casual/ordinary fraternization between people in business or social context.
What does this mean? It means that those dating a batterer no longer have to wait for a situation of abuse where the police are called and charges are filed. You can now get help before the violence escalates to where you are seriously injured. You can now get help in Family Court.
If you take anything away with you, remember this: Domestic violence and abuse doesn't care how much money you have in the bank, where you come from, how educated you are, your sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political views or your martial status. It happens to all people of all genders, races, religions, sexual orientations, cultures, and financial status. It knows not one face, but all, and as long as we remain silent about it, it will continue to happen.
0 comments:
Post a Comment