Funny things that are heard around my house

"I rubbed oil all over and slapped herbs on it."(I hope she was talking about the chicken for dinner.)
"And there it is, death of another muffin." (My father as he mourns a corn muffin my mother has horribly abused, eating her favorite parts and leaving the bottom in the muffin tin.)
"If I spent two days with a woman, who invited me over when her husband was away, we wouldn't just be sitting around."
"Hey, Signore Stinky Pants!"
"Did you wash your hands?"  "No, I rubbed them all over my ass; it gives the food extra flavor."
"You only love me for my Fig Newtons!"
"When she gets nervous she smells like corn chips." ( I had no idea Cocker Spaniels smell like corn chips when they get nervous.  You learn something new everyday.)
" I find the weirdest things tucked into the folds of your neck."