Dear Real Estate Agents...

Dear Real Estate Agents,
I write this to you as a home buyer, in hopes of helping you a house in this lousy market! Here's a few tips and some honest critiques:

1. 70% of your photos suck some major ass. They are shaky, blurry, too dark or too bright. Are you sneezing when you take these photos? Or it is a ploy in hopes that the pictures will suck so bad that the buyer will be pleasantly surprised when they see the house and it is not fuzzy and dark? By the way, be dressed if you are going to take pictures near a reflective surface.

2. Speaking of pictures, if you only have two pictures, both of the outside, or better yet, one outside shot and one of a random corner, makes me worry. It makes me think either the inside of the house is a train wreck or you are just uber lazy and won't take the time to take some photos.

3. When you take one home shot and the rest is of the areas attractions...well, see above.

4. Ask the sellers to put away about 25% of their crap. Seriously, people have a lot of crap. I do. You do. We all do. Putting away at least 25% before taking the photos makes the house look decent. Putting away 50% of toys, clothing and books allows me to picture MY crap in the house, instead of the seller's.

5. No matter how modest someone's budget, don't be snarky. Money is money, and in this market, be happy you have a buyer with good credit and a VA Loan. After all, word of mouth can make you or break you. Speaking of big mouths....

6. Don't be a dick about the VA Loan. Seriously. My hubby served his country. The first 10% of the VA Loan is insured by the freakin' military/government. Don't tell me you "don't do" purchases that use the VA Loan. You will find yourself and your company slathered all over the news and my hot and bothered indignant little face waving a flag and my baby in any camera that will look at me. I will crush you. So just suck up the fact that there is paperwork attached to the VA Loan and shut the fuck up about it.

7. Showing me homes $25,000 and up past my budget is not cool. Don't hope I'll fall in love with a house and throw my common sense out the window. My budget is set for what I can afford and I will not be tempted.

8. You don't have to write poetry, but it helps if the description is informative. i.e. square footage of the home. If it is a hobbit house, I need to know before I take the time to check it out. Knowing if there is a basement is helpful. Including either a map, zip code or some location information would be helpful as well. Remember, plenty of people have kids. Including the school information of the area rocks!

9. Know one interesting thing about the property. ONE thing, that's all. Don't give me that you have soooo many properties you can't possibly keep things so petty in your head. It doesn't have to stay in your head. Write yourself a note. That way you can say to me, "Oh, I remember that house! It has the cutest...finish able attic/yard/reading nook." Pique my interest.

10. What is with the turquoise? I've seen numerous homes covered in turquoise paint. I'm an artist. I love color. But for the love of Mike, advise the seller to pick a neutral color for at least one of the walls! It will take a zillion coats of paint to cover those walls. Humor the buyer.

11. Don't assume that my husband is the money and makes the decisions because he has a penis. Surprise, surprise, I control the money and know how much we can afford. Treat me like an equal. Boobies does not equal stupidity.

12. Don't deflect when I ask you a question. It makes me thing you are either full of crap or that you are being dishonest. Answer a question asked rather than sliding off the subject. If you don't know an answer, just say so.