Take Back the Night

NOTE: Take Back the Night is a special event being held on Tuesday, October 12th at the College of Staten Island. Though I cannot attend personally, I've sent information and a speech for the event. It is as follows:

I spent three years as a domestic violence counselor and have found that though I've left the field, the experience and the stories never really leave me. In trying to think of what to say for such an important event I flipped through facts and figures. There are so many myths about domestic violence and abuse that it is like wading through molasses. There is so much to the dynamics of it that I could write for days, not minutes, and still not make a dent. Here is my effort to dispel myths and provide some insight.

First of all, both men and women can be survivors of domestic violence. As a majority of survivors are female, I will be using "she" in regards to survivors and "he" in regards to batterers. This doesn't mean that men aren't abused by female parents. It does happen but it is not as common. This also doesn't mean that domestic violence doesn't happen in same sex relationships, because it does.

People hear "domestic violence" and usually think, "That's not me." Because the word "violence" gives them a mental picture that maybe their situation doesn't fit into. They think of punching, strangulation, biting, excessive/unwanted tickling, (Seriously. Did you know that tickling is a form of torture in many places and eventually becomes painful?) and slapping.

The truth is there is a lot more such as driving erratically to scare your partner, pushing, verbal abuse, forced sexual acts, making someone feel worthless, and many other ways. But domestic violence and abuse is about power and control.

Abusive relationships run in a cycle of three seasons:

1. Tension Building Phase - The phase where threatening actions occur, verbal abuse, etc. The survivor knows that an abusive event is on the horizon.

2. Battering Event - When the actual abuse occurs.

3. Honeymoon Period - The period of apology, flowers, gifts, etc. Essentially, a "honeymoon" like period where the batterer convinces the survivor that it won't happen again.

I must mention that couples counseling is NOT an option if there is any domestic abuse involved in the relationship. It is not a suitable atmosphere for an abusive situation. Why? Because in an abusive relationship, the power and control of the relationship is in the hands of one person, the abuser. How can you go to couples counseling and discuss the abuse that is occurs? As the scales are uneven it is difficult, even dangerous for a survivor to disclose abuse in couples counseling.

Abuse happens to many people in different forms such as:

Immigrant Abuse - where the batterer uses lack of citizenship to control the survivor. This would include threatening to call INS to get her deported, not allowing her to read/learn to speak English, threatening to take her children away, sent her back to her country without the children, etc. There are special Visas and programs available to help abused people to get visas to stay in the country.

GLBTQ Abuse - includes but isn't limited to: Stating that women cannot abuse women, questioning if you are "really" gay, reinforcing internalized homophobia, threatening to "out" you, putting assets in their name only and being the one to define each partner's place or duties in the relationship.

How can I help my friend who is being abused? - Witnessing a loved one be abused by their partner is emotionally draining and can make you feel helpless and frustrated. The best thing you can do for an abused friend is simply be there for them. Let them know if she needs to leave you will help her, if you cannot help her for whatever reason, let her know there are resources available. Going over a safety plan is a helpful way to prepare if someone is thinking leaving.
Another helpful action is simply holding onto important papers such as birth certificates, medical reports, social security cards, passports, etc. These items are invaluable and much needed for certain services.

As a friend of an abused person you can find yourself drained and frustrated. "Why doesn't she just leave?" "I can't do this anymore." When you get to that point, try to take a step back and get a breather. One of the best things you can do for an abused friend is just be there.
You don't always have to be on the go and providing answers. One of the most important things I learned as a counselor is the value of silence. Some questions don't have answers. Some comments just need to be said aloud without interruption or input. It is probably the hardest thing to do; be there, listen, don't judge and wait.

Why do they stay? Money, they think they can change them, he is a good father, we've been together a long time, he feels badly afterward...

Women stay for a variety of reasons. Rarely, if even does abuse happen on the first date. Imagine going out with someone for the first time and they punch you because you ordered chicken not beef. You would be out of there quicker than you can blink.

Abuse usually starts slowly, and the abuser is usually a Prince Charming type. Huh? He beats his partner but he is Prince Charming? Batterers can be charming, They are excellent at hiding behavior until that behavior slowly leaks out. Maybe it begins with some jealousy. "Aww, he's jealous, that means he loves me!" But it begins to pick up pace until its running down hill and you are trying to stay ahead of the game.

Did you know - abuse often occurs after a serious commitment, engagement, or marriage. There is an ownership factor that comes with these events that can trigger abuse. Also, a pregnancy is a trigger for abuse as well. Will she love the baby more then me? The number one killer of pregnant women is the father of the child.

Again, why do they stay? In threatening/survival situations, we look for evidence of hope, a small sign that the situation will improve. Small tokens maybe seen as evidence that the batterer is "not all bad" and may correct his/her behavior.

Why do men batterer? It is a CHOICE. According to the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner-related physical assaults and rapes every year. Do we see this happening at Shoprite? How about at Clove Lake while taking a walk? Not so much.
This is because a batterer chooses when/where/who to abuse. Most abuse occurs at home, the door closed, shades pulled. How often does it occur in public? Not often. How often is a batterer composed, and even charming when in court, in front of police or relatives?


What about anger management? - It just does not work on batterers. Batterers manage their anger very well. They don't beat their boss up after receiving a reprimand, nor do they beat up the officer that gave them a ticket. They store it up and focus it on one person. That is superb anger management. Waiting to get home, closing the door, and taking it out on one person. That is why abusing your partner is a choice you make. That is why anger management is not an option.


Where can you go for help? Seamen's Society for Children and Families as well as Safe Horizon, both provide counseling and information. If you want an Order of Protection you may go to Family Court, down by the Ferry. Simply ask the officer where to go and they will direct you. The paperwork is fairly self explanatory and there are often advocates there to assist you.

Please note: Laws have changed recently in New York. Previously, Family Court was only for people who had been married, had a child together or were divorced. This severely limited those who were in LGBTQ relationships or dating relationships. But that has changed. As of July 2008 you may go to Family Court to get an Order of Protection if you have had an "intimate relationship" with someone which is defined as follows:

1. Current boyfriend/girlfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend/, boyfriend/boyfriend

2. Persons who are currently dating or have dated in the past.

3. Persons living together or formerly living together in the same home who are NOT related by blood or marriage

"Intimate Relationship" is not just regarding a relationship of a sexual nature. It also takes into account the type of relationship, the frequency of the interaction between the persons and the duration of the relationship. This does not apply to casual/ordinary fraternization between people in business or social context.

What does this mean? It means that those dating a batterer no longer have to wait for a situation of abuse where the police are called and charges are filed. You can now get help before the violence escalates to where you are seriously injured. You can now get help in Family Court.

If you take anything away with you, remember this: Domestic violence and abuse doesn't care how much money you have in the bank, where you come from, how educated you are, your sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political views or your martial status. It happens to all people of all genders, races, religions, sexual orientations, cultures, and financial status. It knows not one face, but all, and as long as we remain silent about it, it will continue to happen.

Funny things that are heard around my house

"I rubbed oil all over and slapped herbs on it."(I hope she was talking about the chicken for dinner.)
"And there it is, death of another muffin." (My father as he mourns a corn muffin my mother has horribly abused, eating her favorite parts and leaving the bottom in the muffin tin.)
"If I spent two days with a woman, who invited me over when her husband was away, we wouldn't just be sitting around."
"Hey, Signore Stinky Pants!"
"Did you wash your hands?"  "No, I rubbed them all over my ass; it gives the food extra flavor."
"You only love me for my Fig Newtons!"
"When she gets nervous she smells like corn chips." ( I had no idea Cocker Spaniels smell like corn chips when they get nervous.  You learn something new everyday.)
" I find the weirdest things tucked into the folds of your neck."

Dude Craft: Ladder Bookshelf

Dude Craft: Ladder Bookshelf - I love this idea, but would want to use a funky, old ladder. Books rule!

Job Hunting

  So, as I troll around for a new job there are several things that seem to pop up on various job listings. There are quite a few employers that want much more than a cover letter, resume and references. A new requirement for employment includes essay writing, unpaid, required trainings and group interviewing.

  Since employers have the upper hand, as the job market is flooded with qualified candidates, it seems like some employers want to pit candidates against each other to see who is left standing.
  I recently applied for a job, a great job. After going to the orientation, I wanted this job. It was a school that sounded so amazing that I would have been honored to be a part of it. Then...thunk, the other shoe dropped.
  This job required all of the listed, new requirements. It required two essays to be written; one about team work and the other about a guest speaker at an upcoming meeting. It also required 12 days of training, 3 hours a day, dinner hours, for a span of twelve weeks. (Which means if you get a job offer in the interim, you cannot accept it because you have committed to 12 weeks.) In addition, the supervisor would sit above the group of candidates, watching to see who would fit the best.
  I understand and can appreciate wanting to make sure an employee is a good fit. But after doing the math of babysitting fees, tolls and gas, I discovered it would cost me about $800 for 12 weeks of unpaid training, without the promise of a job at the end. In addition to that, I had to take into consideration that if I left on time, while others were willing to stay late, it would look like I wasn't a team player and could be counted as a strike against me. But, my main team is my family, and my primary responsibility is my son. Yet, I wanted that damn job.
  Rather than just bailing, I wrote to the supervisor and offered the following: the two essays, 2-3 unpaid trainings, as many references as she wanted, (I have up to 10, not including personal references), as well as an offer to give a presentation to anyone/group she wanted.
  It was a no go. It was either commit to 12 weeks of unpaid trainings or I wouldn't even be a consideration. How far do you go for a job that feels like a perfect fit? How much do you eat in order to get it? Or, is it unreasonable for employers to expect people to jump through hoops AND come out of pocket with the mere hope of getting a position.
Disappointed, I passed.



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Dear Real Estate Agents...

Dear Real Estate Agents,
I write this to you as a home buyer, in hopes of helping you a house in this lousy market! Here's a few tips and some honest critiques:

1. 70% of your photos suck some major ass. They are shaky, blurry, too dark or too bright. Are you sneezing when you take these photos? Or it is a ploy in hopes that the pictures will suck so bad that the buyer will be pleasantly surprised when they see the house and it is not fuzzy and dark? By the way, be dressed if you are going to take pictures near a reflective surface.

2. Speaking of pictures, if you only have two pictures, both of the outside, or better yet, one outside shot and one of a random corner, makes me worry. It makes me think either the inside of the house is a train wreck or you are just uber lazy and won't take the time to take some photos.

3. When you take one home shot and the rest is of the areas attractions...well, see above.

4. Ask the sellers to put away about 25% of their crap. Seriously, people have a lot of crap. I do. You do. We all do. Putting away at least 25% before taking the photos makes the house look decent. Putting away 50% of toys, clothing and books allows me to picture MY crap in the house, instead of the seller's.

5. No matter how modest someone's budget, don't be snarky. Money is money, and in this market, be happy you have a buyer with good credit and a VA Loan. After all, word of mouth can make you or break you. Speaking of big mouths....

6. Don't be a dick about the VA Loan. Seriously. My hubby served his country. The first 10% of the VA Loan is insured by the freakin' military/government. Don't tell me you "don't do" purchases that use the VA Loan. You will find yourself and your company slathered all over the news and my hot and bothered indignant little face waving a flag and my baby in any camera that will look at me. I will crush you. So just suck up the fact that there is paperwork attached to the VA Loan and shut the fuck up about it.

7. Showing me homes $25,000 and up past my budget is not cool. Don't hope I'll fall in love with a house and throw my common sense out the window. My budget is set for what I can afford and I will not be tempted.

8. You don't have to write poetry, but it helps if the description is informative. i.e. square footage of the home. If it is a hobbit house, I need to know before I take the time to check it out. Knowing if there is a basement is helpful. Including either a map, zip code or some location information would be helpful as well. Remember, plenty of people have kids. Including the school information of the area rocks!

9. Know one interesting thing about the property. ONE thing, that's all. Don't give me that you have soooo many properties you can't possibly keep things so petty in your head. It doesn't have to stay in your head. Write yourself a note. That way you can say to me, "Oh, I remember that house! It has the cutest...finish able attic/yard/reading nook." Pique my interest.

10. What is with the turquoise? I've seen numerous homes covered in turquoise paint. I'm an artist. I love color. But for the love of Mike, advise the seller to pick a neutral color for at least one of the walls! It will take a zillion coats of paint to cover those walls. Humor the buyer.

11. Don't assume that my husband is the money and makes the decisions because he has a penis. Surprise, surprise, I control the money and know how much we can afford. Treat me like an equal. Boobies does not equal stupidity.

12. Don't deflect when I ask you a question. It makes me thing you are either full of crap or that you are being dishonest. Answer a question asked rather than sliding off the subject. If you don't know an answer, just say so.

Can You Be Lonely For a Place You've Never Lived?

  I was driving home today with Liam, from an appointment and decided to cruise around the neighborhood a bit. With the weather warming up, it seemed like a shame to go straight home and just sit around. After a few minutes Li fell asleep and I was free to drive around, without any real purpose, letting my mind wander.   As I drove I had this overwhelming feeling that couldn't be named. It suddenly hit me. I was lonely, not for a person or people but for a place.
  Many years ago I became fascinated with New Orleans, as many people do. Saving my pennies, I was able to go for a weekend. It was the only place I've ever been that I knew in an instant, could be home. It was a strange occurrence for me, because I never thought I'd want to leave New York. But it fit. Going to New Orleans was like finding your favorite jacket, that somehow wound up stuffed under your bed. You pull it on and it feels just as good as it always did, and looks even better.
  At the time I was dating someone who worked for an airline and I was able to go to New Orleans once a year, (one year I made it twice), for four years for a mere ten dollars each way. It was heaven.
  All the oddities that made me stand out and alone in high school and college seemed to be quickly embraced. Though my love for New York runs deep, New Orleans didn't have that bit of turned up nose that some New Yorkers have about people. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged.
  As someone who lacks any sense of direction, I learned the streets quickly, and almost instantly found favorite places to eat and hang out. By the time I took my mother, I was able to walk around, comfortable, pointing out my favorite shops and actually knowing where the hell I was going, another first.
  For years I wanted to spend a summer, just one, in New Orleans, writing. For some reason I could see myself in some little one room walk up, working at a local shop during the day or tending bar and writing every night, all night. The idea of sitting in an unknown yet known city, soaked in sweat, wearing an old t-shirt and boy shorts, bare foot, pounding away on a typewriter with a five and dime turning fan to try to move the heavy air was my idea of a perfect summer. But I could never manage to tear myself away from my home life and responsibilities, from the need to work, not to go away but to pay for school. When my mother got sick I knew my chance was pretty much gone.
  Do I romanticized New Orleans? Somewhat, yes. Is there crime, and poverty? Yes. Name one place in the world that doesn't have crime or poverty. It also has amazing food, open and accepting people, art and music like no other and a style all it's own. Like anywhere else you live or visit, you do not check your reason and common sense at the door. The tourists that come to New York, stand in the middle of the sidewalk looking up, mouths wide open might as well hang a neon sign on their necks reading, "Out of towner, not paying attention, please lift my wallet." Looking comfortable, being aware and not performing actions that scream tourist is always essential when you go anywhere.
  I miss walking around with a bag of my art, jewelry and soaps on my back; popping into stores and making a sale; leaving with my bag lighter and my wallet heavier.  I miss the lack of pretension and delicious otherness of the streets, the cultural blend of the food that made it so damn good that my mouth waters just thinking about it.  I miss it like you miss an old friend.
  I haven't had a chance to go back since Katrina. By then I had dumped my airline worker boyfriend and just couldn't afford it. Part of me is afraid that that uniqueness, that utterly beautiful charm will be gone. I want to go back. I need to go back. I will go back. And, I'll bring my husband and my son, and show them the beauty of a city that was beaten but never broken.

Blind Artist

http://www.mytopclip.com/v/882,the-artist-with-no-eyes.html - This piece is so interesting.  Is it proof that art is not necessarily visual?  Does the artist not have to see with actual eyes but see it is his head?  Is that then visual?